I’ve been reviewing political slogans as I research my voting choices for state and national offices. I have categorized them by the following labels: Ambiguous slogans, outright lies, fear-mongering, race-baiting and amazingly truthful. 

So far, the amazingly truthful box is empty. To help candidates on all sides of the fence, I’ve written some truthful slogans. If you’re running for an office, feel free to borrow them as you see fit.

-Vote for me. I’m not qualified but I look good.

-Don’t worry about my policies; they’ll change after the election, anyway.

-Yes, I tell lies, but not as much as my opponent.

-I’m crooked for my own benefit.

-“Inept" is not my middle name, but it could be.

-Yes, I’m going to steal from you. But if I get a chance, I’ll steal for you, too. Not likely, but hope is a good thing.

-I’m running for change. Mostly for your change; empty your pockets.

-I’m dumb as a stump.

-When you elect me, you don’t get just me. You get all my dumb cronies and my family, too. I said I’d get employment numbers up.

-I’m better qualified to wash your dishes, but this pays better.

-If you're against it, I'm against it; I don't need to know the details.

-I grease squeaky wheels.

-I always do the right thing. Right after I redefine the word “right.”

-I can't really do anything about the cost of goods, but I'll talk about it all day long.

-I love money. Especially your money.

-We need more better edumacation.

-I don't know what the national debt is, but I have a pretty good idea how many hookers there are in Washington.

-Want my attention? Take me golfing. You’re buying.

-When I voted for that bill, I probably was drunk.

-What’s the big deal about bribes? The more bribes I get, the less I have to steal from you.

-Yes, I inhaled and then I drank the bong water.

-I have 10 years experience doing as little as possible. In my book, that’s qualification.

-Don't blame me; I had my intern do the voting.

-Speaking of interns, hubba hubba.

-Sure, I missed a ton of votes in the last session. You’re welcome.

-If I could make an honest living, I still probably wouldn't.

-Real progress is for sissies.

-If you elect me, the economy will probably get worse.

-Of course, I know where Iraq is. I took geometry in high school.

-I guarantee there will be no pandemics on my watch. It’s a limited guarantee subject to science and reality.

-We can save a lot money by eliminating Congress all together. All you need is me.

-When I’m elected, I’ll put the Constitution upfront where it belongs. Over the mantle.

-Yes, I’ll make a mess of things. But they’re already a mess, so what do you have to lose?

-I took one of those demented tests. I just can’t remember where I put it.

-We’re all in this together. Meaning, I don’t understand the problems any better than you do.

© Copyright 2020 by David Porter who can be reached a [email protected]. I’ll put a chicken in every pot. After I take away all the pots.

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